Ecstatic with the Freedom to Express Herself
The moon has impregnated the rain drops
They drop
Bellies full and ripe
Glistening with moist potential
Splashing down heavy
Falling gently
Sprinkling in the moon beams
Shining down
In holy exhalation
In life
in change
in tides rising
Emotions rise and fall like waves crashing
Sometimes devouring cliffs
Booms and crashes echo after she falls atop the earth
Her gushing landslide
The morning sun rises
Golden light flows down and refracts off each drop
Kissing my skin as I walk amidst the mist
For I have emerged from the ocean
A selkie kelp wrapped around me
I am a being of the sea
Visiting this earth but briefly
Many lives have I lived
A creature of the globe
From mountains to lush jungle then desert then cold creeks and outcrops
Soft New Life
Your fingers reach out to touch the world as if to express all you want to say
and to feel all there is to feel
your body moves and stretches
grunts and squeals
this new being feeling her way into understanding
Your feet reach out to find solid ground
or a hand to squeeze and caress them
Noises like the wind through bamboo and the chirps of birds soothe you and sometimes inspire an instant state of rem sleep where your eyes move and your mouth smiles, frowns, and sucks
Sometimes when your hungry your lips pucker in the tiniest o
When you smile the world becomes brighter and the day better
I am suddenly equipped with joy
I cherish this time
When your favorite place to sleep is in our arms
Your head fits perfectly under my chin
When your hair smells divine
Heaven kissed
Still wet with that angelic dew
Your softness
And yet you are strong
Muscles already forming
So comfortable in your skin, your movements smooth and easy
You’re hands and arms will not be swaddled or bound in a wrap or gloves
They are determinedly set free
To feel
To express
To sense
To gracefully swim through space in their tiny delicate state
Which will one day grow no doubt to a formidable grasp
Even in sleep your arms reach out, fingers moving, to sense the space around you
In my body you grew
Wrapped inside in warm protection
From my body you take shelter, find safety, calm
My body is your favorite bed
My breasts or shoulders your pillows
My hand your blanket
You melt into me
Your warm embrace
The best reward
From my breasts I feed you
All that I can
When you cry I hold you, rock you
My womb was made to nurture you
To help you form and grow
Like a seedling in the earth
My uterus to birth you
Pushing you into being
A conduit
Through which your sacred light arrived
My belly, now soft and hilly, is your old home
A cushion for your back
A jumping off point for your feet
Kicking to strengthen your legs
My thighs are a chair to hold you
My knees lift you
My lips are here to kiss you
My nose smells your delicious fragrance
My body has found it’s true purpose
The ageless timeless purpose of a woman
To bring life
To bear life
A conduit for creation
A nest for the young
Emptiness and Light
That wound
That emptiness
We all have it don’t we
That deep chasm of need
Of Darkness
Of Desire
Wanting to be numb Wanting to be high
Wanting Power Control
All to fill that emptiness inside of us
It’s like we are standing at a cliffs edge
Below us is a deep abyss
Dark waves crash against the black rock
The sky is dark and orange and red
We are alone on the cliff. The wind blows hard
We are standing shaking, cold and so alone
We want so badly to feel whole again
To feel filled
But what can we do with all this need?
Maybe that emptiness is calling for light
The emptiness is the space the soul needs to fill
The need is the need for connection
The need to live in our higher purpose
Suddenly letting go of validation
Letting go of desire
Feeling its absence, a cold wind
Needing warmth
Needing to feel full again
The warm milk from your mother
Your finally safe in her arms
For a few precious minutes she is there with you, right there
You are safe in her arms
You feel her surrounding you
Finally you can breath
Finally you can let go
Finally safe
Now when that emptiness consumes me
I look for food when what I really want is love
I try to stuff myself
It’s not my mother’s fault
It’s not my fault
It’s how I’ve learned to fill the need
To feed the hunger for warmth and love and safety
But my belly grows stuffed and swollen
It swells up towards my ribs and constricts my breathing
The gas creeps out
The stench of undigested need
The acid irritates my stomach
It makes me bloated and quick to anger
There is this constant gnawing irritation
This doesn’t need to define me
My daughter says, Mom you’re not listening to your body!
She is so wise this child
Such a light in this world
May I fill myself with light
Walk towards that light
Read that light
Pray I that light
Breath that light
Speak in that Light
Walk that light
Act in that light
May I be a vessel for light, love and healing
May I shine so brightly that light comes shining out of my pores
May it glow front the tips of my fingers
May it surround my hair like a halo
So that it shines on all those around me like a halo
Let this greedy need
The empty abyss
Rule me no longer
The emptiness is an invitation for light
The abyss is a house for light
The hunger is a hunger for light
We must brighten our spirits
Aloneness
Tonight I remembered being alone
I’m not sure if it is a memory or a reenactment
But there is a remembering
I see myself a small soft baby
Chubby arms
Chubby fingers
Rolls on my thighs
I lay in my crib
Where is my Mom?
She is outside working
Why they have her stripping silver plates with chemicals with a small baby upstairs I cannot fathom
She wore a full body suit
Rubber Gloves
Goggles
All of the gear because of the toxicity
She kept the baby monitor close
Didn’t anyone notice?
Didn’t they see the cruelty?
Where was the compassion in this?
The cruelty of it hits me like a rusty knife
The wound festers
I was so small
So Soft
And I felt so alone
There was a certain peace
A certain safety
But a certain vast emptiness
A loneliness
A wondering
Where was my mother?
I felt her warm at night
Her body large and soft and warm and strong
Her breathing deep and regular
Her smell
Musk and amber and dirt, strength and sweetness
I craved all of her time
All of her energy
The need in me so vast and wide
It was so much larger than my little body could hold
Her large breasts heavy with milk
My heaven
My safe haven
Two strong arms holding me tight and secure
A haven of safety
I would fall into a deep sleep
To awaken alone
This aloneness became familiar
The ground not quite solid
Not quite held
The foundation strong yet cracked
She wanted to be with me
She wanted to hold me
She wanted me to have a father that would hold me and show up and provide
My father stayed away
He disassociated
He never really took responsibility for me
Maybe he didn’t know how.
When I grew older I found more love
I was able to reach out to the folks I knew and loved around me
I had Eric
Large and strong like a big kind bear
His kind eyes
He was the father I always wanted
He loved me like a father
He loved me with his large full heart
I wished he was my father
I still do
I wish he was the one who had helped make me
We are born into this life
Into this tapestry of connections
This spiders web
And we have our pain and our love and our joy
All of the flavors of reality
We don’t need to search for who to blame
But we need to learn and we need to grow
To heal
To rise
To blossom